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Two Sundays ago, my lover walked brusquely into my room, asked for my phone to make an urgent call, then handed the phone after two minutes of her apparently making the call outside of my room, she then gave me a kiss on my cheek and walked away. After several minutes of me trying to figure out her unusual behavior and the biblical kiss on the cheek, I realized she had deleted every graphic picture, sexual voice note and sex tape I have of and with her. When I called to find out why taking such bizarre action, she replied, ‘Guys…you people have become mad. I don’t want to be a victim of public ridicule someday.’

I have been in this relation for 5 years during which we have had terrible falling out and great making up and some of those tapes and pictures reminded me of those times through the years. Never in all of our ups and downs had my girlfriend thought she was in any sort of impending danger because I had her pictures and it had never crossed my mind that making them public was an option.

So I began thinking about the bad representation some guys give to us and how they affect the whole dynamic in relationships particularly in terms of trust and how much adventure you can have with your lover. I began thinking about what it meant for the future of my relation with my girl—a girl who had trusted me so thoroughly that she was ready to unleash all of her fantasies and mine too and even document them because at the end, this unfettered exclusive access and trust somehow (along with other factors) made our relation better.
I really want to lash out against guys who betray girlfriends, wives, and exes in this way but as one of my female friends puts it, ‘These are usually weak men, underperformers in bed, fragile egos and ‘small’!” So that pretty much settles their case.

My case is with the public shaming that victims (mainly females) have to suffer because someone whom you loved and trusted betrayed you. I do not think girls decide to just routinely allow guys to have their comprising pics and videos. It is not something which they take lightly, but there comes a time in a relationship when all guards are down because you feel safe. Take the case of condoms in relationships and how the fear of disease and pregnancy wades off after a while. Months into a relationship, you start having unprotected sex as if you had exhausted all medical tests and checked negative for them all. Almost every young sexual guy has asked for a picture of his lover in a nighttime discussion when they are in different places. These things are not new; they are not strange but are exclusive, intimate items in relationships. How then do the female victims suffer so much ridicule? Even in tapes where the two actors are clearly seen, the female is ridiculed and given all sorts of names in the slut book. Of course, the double standard in the male/female nudity debate is not a days’ topic.

My issue is who is supposed to suffer ridicule and public shaming? Who is the victim? And why should a victim face further victimization from a society where almost everyone engages in some sort of private sexual behavior that will be embarrassing if revealed. I met this girl who prudishly thinks girls who are victims of such scandals are stupid because why would anyone have a sex tape? To her there is a well defined, acceptable list of sexual behaviors in relationships and sex tapes and pictures and sexual audios are out of the question. So I begged her to go through her WhatsApp messages with her boyfriend and she said no. She then got my point. We all are culpable of some sort of sexual behavior which we think are so private that it might be embarrassing if the public gets a peek. That does not, however, stop us from engaging in them because we trust that we are in safe company.

At the end of the day, slut-shaming these victims mean that boys are ready to go through relationships in which girls kick against all acts that might embarrass them in future. Imagine such a world!


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